Don't have kids

Mark Steele for a real hoot, as usual,

"So, if you pick up Jenny and keep her until half past four, Tina will pick up her and Oscar and give them and Nathan some pizza at the same time as taking her aerobics class, then my mum ought to be able to have them from six because the hospital says she should be out of her coma by then, and she'll drop them off with Eileen at the brothel as she gets an hour off between seven and eight, then David should have finished at the site and can bring them all back in his wheelbarrow."

Even after you've dropped them off in the morning, you dread getting a call from the school that goes: "You'll have to come and collect your son as he's been sick in the corridor." And they take no account of the fact you might be working. You could say: "But I'm flying a Boeing 757 full of passengers to Manila" and they'd say, "Well, you'll have to make an emergency landing, we can't have him spreading germs."