Cutting through the bullshit.

Sunday, 19 November 2006

Masterians move to prevent terror

Today’s Times reported on a new Dutch proposal to ban wearing the burqa in public. Meanwhile in nearby Mastersland…

Masterians move to prevent terror


MERDATHEN, Mastersland, 17 November - Mastersland’s Minister for Immigration and Culture, Vita Dronker, announced here today a bold proposal to combat terrorism in the tiny state, beleaguered by asylum seekers wishing to maintain the cultures of their countries of origin while enjoying the protection of Masterian society. Some refugees were also suspected of terrorist inclinations.

The proposal has two aspects.

First, Ms Dronker announced, ‘all residents and visitors to the country will be issued ‘smart’ identification cards.’ A chip embedded in the card will enable authorities equipped with card readers to identify the holder by fingerprint or iris scan, while a conventional photograph will adorn the front of the card.

Furthermore, ‘The chip will also hold data on the holder’s net worth and available credit. A nationwide wireless network will keep the credit data up to date at all times in accordance with work done and the performance of investments. Retailers and service providers will debit cards when cardholders make purchases.’

The second aspect of the proposal will ban all garments. ‘This will ensure than no unauthorised person carries a weapon or explosive and will make the country entirely safe from the threat of terrorism,’ Ms Dronker stated.

All opaque backpacks, handbags, briefcases, and the like, will also be banned, although the Minister was quick to point out that, ‘everyone will be permitted to carry a transparent plastic bag around their neck, containing their smart card and a tube of sunscreen, in case it stops raining.’ It will also be permitted to carry a bottle of sports drink in one hand, but not both sunscreen and a sports drink, in the interests of security.

An earlier version of the proposal entailed installation of xray machines at the entrances to all buildings and public vehicles and along all thoroughfares. However, ‘in the interests of public health,’ she went on, ‘to avoid excess exposure to radiation, everyone will instead submit to body cavity searches on entering and leaving buildings and public conveyances, as well as at intervals elsewhere.’

The Minister was confident that everyone would be delighted to accept this small inconvenience in the interests of security, ‘After all, better safe than sorry,’ she said.

‘Furthermore, the initiative will mean that people don’t go around emphasizing their differences by wearing different kinds of clothing. In Mastersland, we are all equal, after all,’ she concluded.

Masterian legal experts have already determined that the new arrangements are in strict accord with international human rights standards and encouraged their adoption by all civilized nations.

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